JOURNEY TO CATHOLICISM.
New York City, 1970. The Beatles were disbanded and blood was spilled on the campus of Kent State. It was into this world that I came. I was the third child, having been preceded by two sisters. My parents were both immigrants, my father of German descent, and my mother of French. Both had been deeply affected by World War Two, if for no other reason than the fact that my parents were Jewish. In many ways, the War added to the identity that both had as Jews. For my father, that meant a low boiling hatred of Germans, despite his own German family history. For my mother, it awakened a certain paranoia and sensitivity to anti-Semitism.
My childhood was not one that could be considered typical. We moved quite often, which meant that I was often the new kid in school every year. This can be very difficult for a child, although my parents seemed unconcerned about my welfare. Eventually, my family would settle down in a suburb of Los Angeles, called Studio City. Childhood was an unhappy and stressful time. My parents did not get along well. I think that this was due to the fact that both were dependent types, each requiring an enormous amount of care and yet both of my parents were very self-centered and selfish. In no small part, the animosity that my parents shared was likely aggravated by having children. I believe that on some level, both my parents viewed their children as a burden. For my father, children were a responsibility he did not want, for my mother, children were the prison that trapped her in her marriage. Of course, all of this affected their relationship with their children as much as it affected their marriage. My sisters and I were often spectators to the violent arguments that my parents would have. It occurred to me that parenting is an art that and, like many things, is improved if one is predisposed to it. Unfortunately, my parents had no idea how to raise children and as I entered my teenage years I came to understand two things. First, my parents hated each other with as much relish as they hated their children, and second, I was an atheist.
No small part of the cause of my atheism was attributable to an anger and insolence common of the young and, as such, was more a superficial and emotional response than any intellectual argument against the existence of God. The influence of my family added to my atheistic leanings. Growing up, the subject of God was rarely discussed and religion was an afterthought in my family. I was Jewish because my mother was Jewish and Judaism is matrilineal. For me, being Jewish was like a nationality or eye color, what philosophers call an accidental property. It was part of me, but it was not essential, it was not who I was.
Judaism is often divided into three main branches, Orthodox, Conservative, and Reform. Modern Judaism has also seen the emergence of a fourth branch. This fourth branch differs in that it is not based upon theology, but culture. It is known as secular Judaism. Secular Jews partake of some of the customs and practices of Judaism but are not particularly religious. It was this form of Judaism, this secular version, that my family adhered to. This meant that as a child, I would “observe” the major Jewish holidays such as fasting on Yom Kippur and occasionally going to synagogue. It was also clear that it had very little meaning to my parents or older sisters, and thus, was even less important to me. Ultimately, an effect without a discernable cause often deteriorates into either superstition or a type of habitual act lacking any significance and that was the case for me. I, like my family, was Jewish in name only.
Perhaps because spiritual matters are rarely contemplated in youth, I would remain in a kind of spiritual desert for my teenage years and into early adulthood. However, even in this desert, I was often beset by a notion there must be something beyond just the material world which seemed so dry to me. While my family seemed interested only in the material things of life, I sought something deeper, something more meaningful. My search would lead me to an interest in Eastern religion and philosophy. Eastern religion, or at least an Eastern religious philosophy, was rather popular in Los Angeles at the time, so it seemed a natural evolution for me to investigate it. While I make no claim to have studied Buddhism in any systemic way, I was able to understand that Buddhism provides a unique insight into the human condition, and its tradition possesses much wisdom. However, Buddhism’s focus on self-actualization almost to the exclusion of the transcendent did not appeal to me. Over time, it became clear to me that Buddhism and the other Eastern religions did not provide me with the truth that I sought, but could not articulate.
My academic life would lead me to encounter Christianity more and more. These encounters would take place occasionally by conversations with Christians, but the biggest influence was the literature and the art. The literature consisted mostly of Biblical passages that intrigued me, for example, John 14:6 (I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me), and John 6:51 (I am the living bread that came down from heaven. Whoever eats this bread will live forever. This bread is my flesh, which I will give for the life of the world). The art, too, beckoned me. I was drawn to depictions of the Crucifixion and the images of Mary would induce a sense of both sadness and wonder.
It was only later in life that I came to realize that God’s Grace was present to me even in this time of spiritual turbulence. This Grace, which the Catechism of the Catholic Church defines as “favor, the free and undeserved help that God gives us to respond to his call to become children of God, adoptive sons, partakers of the divine nature and of eternal life” would manifest itself in two ways. First, by engendering a curiosity about “first things”, in particular the subject of ontology. It was this curiosity that would lead me to question both my “atheism” and Judaism. The second way in which I came to believe that Grace manifested itself to me, was to cause me to develop an affinity for Jesus Christ. I recall a conversation that I had with my mother when I was a teenager. I do not recall the context of the conversation, but I do remember my mother saying that we (i.e. Jews) do not believe that Jesus is God, only that He was a good person. Putting aside the questionable theological aspect of her statement, I remember thinking very clearly that I did not believe that. I suspected at that time that Jesus was much more than just a “good person”. It was this sense, which I could not provide an adequate explanation for, combined with a propensity to ask spiritual and philosophical questions that lead me to an interest in religion and in God.
After college, my family moved back to New York City and my interest in religion seemed to increase even more. I was becoming increasingly drawn to Christianity and, in particular, Catholicism. This interest would eventually lead me to read the Bible. It was in reading the Bible that I came to understand that Jesus is God and I accepted the truth of Christianity.
Nevertheless, I began to feel like an inhabitant of two worlds. The first one, the one that I was born into, was the secular world. It seemed arid and empty and its relativistic views on morality and its inferred nihilism were repulsive to me. The second world, this new world, intrigued me. It was alive and mysterious and, it felt like the truth. It provided the answers to questions that had bedeviled me in youth. This “two world view” found a voice when I read Saint Augustine’s “City of God”. In particular, Augustine’s observation that, “two cities have been formed by two loves” resonated with me. The “City of the flesh” was the secular world that I had been brought up in. It was a world where men sought to appease their base desires. It was this second “city”, this “City of God” that drew me. The claim that man was made for God was confirmed biblically, but also, it answered why so many are unhappy with the purely materialistic and sensual life of the “City of the flesh”. If man was indeed meant for God, anything less than God would ultimately be unsatisfying.
I began to research Christianity specifically, I studied the teachings and views of the various denominations and I compared them to the Bible. As this process proceeded, it became clear to me that Catholicism most clearly represents the teachings of Christ. I began attending Mass at Saints Simon and Jude Church in Brooklyn. While I did not completely understand the process of the Mass, I felt very much at home. It was at this time that I would meet someone who would have a profound impact on my life. Her name is Sara Nespoli, at the time she was the Director of Faith Formation at Simon and Jude, and the epitome of what a Catholic should be. Smart, sarcastic, and fiercely faithful, it was Sara who would shepherd me through the Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults (RCIA) program at the age of forty-two. On that Easter Vigil in the Spring of 2012, I was baptized as a Catholic, I do not believe that I was ever more happy, ever more content than I was at that time. The journey, began in youth, endured through tribulations is complete. I am home.
